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Kentucky has a law emphasizing joint custody of minor children in the event of parental divorce. There are other states with similar laws.
On one hand, I understand the idea of making certain both parents have time with and access to their children. On the other hand, I have a huge problem with a one-size-fits-all mentality on such an important and sensitive issue.
I’ve had loved ones and clients go through divorces in this area. I’ve seen all too often how much heartache and suffering blind application of joint custody can cause. I’ve seen judges who either do not even look at or flat out ignore evidence that one parent is better as primary. I personally consider this blatant judicial misconduct and I wish there was more that could be done to hold these judges accountable. Perhaps a social media movement. That certainly got people in positions of power to be held accountable for sexually inappropriate behavior with subordinates.
In the event of divorce where there are minor children, the goal should be twofold: an amicable as possible division of the entwined lives of the divorcing parties and what’s best for the minor children. There are important factors to consider in what’s best for the children. One, any child older than 4 deserves a right to be heard by the judge or a guardian ad litem. A guardian ad litem is a court appointed independent adviser who assesses the lives of all involved in the divorce and helps make recommendations on what’s best for the children. I personally would like either party to be able to request a guardian ad litem at any time and for the guardian ad litem to be psychologically educated and aware so that s/he can make a psychologically informed decision.
Two, I think it’s important to assess who was the primary hands-on parent day-to-day during the marriage. This matters because continuity is important. Children need structure and routine. Who is going to know that routine best and be able to provide that structure the best? Often, the parent that has been doing the hands-on parenting the most. I do not want to insult dads. There are lots of great hands-on dads who are involved in the day-to-day parenting of their children. That being said, what I have seen in this area is more hands-on involvement by moms and dads saying that having a job is all they need to do. In the 1950s, the dads were bread winners and moms stayed home. Today, usually both parents work and, as such, both parents need to be hands-on. But many moms sadly work a job full time and parent full time. I’ve had some say they have been a single parent, even though they were married.
Three, judges should be required to assess evidence from both parents, the children, and appropriate witnesses to aid in determining what is best for the children. Emotional and mental abuse should absolutely be a consideration. A parent having an untreated mental health disorder should be a consideration, especially if the lack of treatment leads to abusive behavior towards the kids and/or unstable home life.
Four, going back and forth between houses stinks. My clients usually hate it. They say it feels like moving every week or month depending on the custody arrangement. Some say they don’t feel like they have an actual home because it feels like both houses are missing something.
Children are the future. Their well-being deserves to be the priority. Period. But especially in the case of divorce. It should be case by case because that’s what’s best for the children. It requires more work, effort and consideration but children are worth it. I have a job, in part, because the ball gets dropped for too many children. It breaks my heart to try to teach children to survive until they are 18 and can get out legally when a due diligence by the courts could have prevented the entire situation.
JESSICA HEWITT, a national certified counselor and licensed professional counselor in West Virginia with 12 years of clinical experience, has a masters of education in counseling and human development. This column is not intended to diagnose or treat any issue. It is intended only for enjoyment.
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